Part 1: What Are We Doing Wrong?
Part 2: Biblical Authority
Part 3: The Gift of Communication
Part 4: Biblical Discipline
Part 5: The How & When of Spankings
So, after divulging into Part 4: Biblical Discipline, and learning what the rod is, we understand that:
- The rod represents a parent’s God-given authority to enforce the rules of their home. This includes everything leading up to and including corporal punishment (i.e. standing in a corner, writing sentences, extra chores, spanking a hand or backside, etc.)
- When sin nature is allowed to grow unchecked, we end up with toddler tantrums, rebellious teens, and destructive adults. God’s Word instructs us to use the rod to discipline our children, combining it with communication (rebuke, instruction, correction, etc.) to train our children in wisdom.
- The rod is a rod of correction (Proverbs 29:15,17), not a rod of irritation. Our goal is not to punish them for wrongdoing, but to restore them to a right heart attitude.
********************
When I read Shepherding A Child’s Heart, I found myself nodding along in several places. As I read, I was interested in finding out how we should use the rod and at what age.
Remember, ‘the rod’ is everything leading up to and including spankings. And as we talked in Part 3, spankings gradually diminish as your children get older and communication plays a bigger role. Today we’re specifically addressing spankings as this is the area most of us have questions.
Submission to Authority
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise:
that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” – Ephesians 6:1-3
Before we get into the details, I want to briefly address the topics of submission and authority.
I won’t mince words here. One of the biggest problems with youth today is their lack of respect. I can’t tell you how many situations I’ve been in, whether as a public speaker or a bystander in a grocery store, that I’ve been stunned at the total disregard in children/youth/teens for authority. I’m sure I’ve stood with my mouth hanging open more than once!
Please don’t hear me saying that my children never buck Travis’s or my authority – in fact right now we’re dealing with Sierra (our two year-old) not coming to us when we call her.
No child wants to be ruled, it’s not in their nature. But the most important lesson a child will learn is submission to authority – because he will always be under someone’s authority. I’m don’t mean just mom and dad because that eventually ends. I’m talking teachers and employers too. And most importantly, God’s authority.
The earlier we establish authority, the easier it is on our children. If we let them run rampant until they’re eight or ten and then suddenly expect them to submit to us, we might as well have asked them to speak fluent Russian. A submissive and respectful teen doesn’t happen overnight. They’re the result of respectful 2, 3, 4, & 5 year-olds.
Submitting to authority means your child does what he’s told without:
- challenge
- excuse
- delay
The When of Spanking
“When you have given a directive that he has heard and is within his capacity to understand and he has not obeyed without challenge, without excuse or without delay, he needs a spanking.” Shepherding a Child’s Heart, pg. 149
The answer is pretty simple – so simple I sometimes have the habit of second guessing it. But Tedd Tripp continues to remind us that if we accept a whining, “why?” or a child who drags his feet and comes up with a bunch of excuses on his way to bed, we’re teaching them to disregard our authority and anything we might have already taught them about obedience.
We shouldn’t have to warn, or count to three, or ask them if they want a spanking (what child says yes?!). If we do that we’re teaching them that they can disobey until we start to get out of our chair, or until we reach the number 2. . .2 1/2. . .2 3/4. Our children need to learn that when we speak for the first time, we’ve spoken for the last time.
It’s tempting to want to wait until your child is old enough to express himself with words before you begin disciplining. But if you wait that long, the damage has already begun. Even seemingly simple rebellion like an arched back while changing a diaper or crying and stamping feet when they don’t want to go with you is a form of rebellion that is best nipped in the bud.
This, in turn, makes it essential that we discipline with consistency.
The Importance of Consistency
When training a child through communication and discipline, it’s imperative that we’re consistent. The rules have to be the same every day.
Imagine if your new boss told you that your daily report needed to be on his desk by 5:00 p.m. Two weeks into your job he barges into your office and yells at you because your last report wasn’t on his desk at noon and for the following three months he insists your report be handed in at noon.
Then one day, after you’ve handed in your report on time, he berates you for pushing your report under his nose instead of handing it in at 5:00 as was originally specified.
You’d be left with your head spinning and more than likely contacting someone higher up in the company and saying, “This isn’t fair. He can’t do that!” Think about that. You’re an adult and it would frustrate you. If we’re changing the rules on our children, how much more does it frustrate and confuse them?
The Appeal Process
“But wait,” you say, “can’t I allow a little leeway? I’d be acting like a drill sergeant!”
Yes and no. First, you must stick to your guns and remain consistent about not letting them challenge you – even if they think you’re being unfair. Don’t give in to their excuses – they’ll never run out. And don’t accept delay in responding to your request. This shouldn’t be negotiable. However, you can teach them to appeal to you in a way that is respectful and honoring.
Letting your children appeal to you lets them know you’re not a machine ;), and that you will take their thoughts and ideas into consideration. It also gives you a chance to reconsider a directive you might have given without ample consideration.
However, there are important guidelines:
- your children must begin to obey before they appeal to you, not afterwards
- they must appeal respectfully
- they must be prepared and willing to obey either way and accept your decision with a good attitude
The How of Spanking
Remember in Part 4, when we talked about how most people think of ‘the rod’ or spankings with a red-faced parent angrily spanking the backside of a screaming child? This is the exact opposite of what Biblical discipline with a spanking should look like.
We must never respond in anger. That doesn’t mean we can’t be angry with something they’ve done. However we shouldn’t respond simply because our children have angered us – but because we need to address their heart attitudes. We need to temper our firmness with kindness and gentleness. Control and communication.
A better method might look like this:
1. Take the child to a private place when disciplining, whether when communicating or spanking. For a child to discuss his wrong-doing with his parent is one thing. But to expect him to bare his heart, his frustration and hurt, as well as receive a spanking in front of others, is another. Don’t humiliate him – show respect by giving him privacy.
2. Be sure he knows exactly why he’s being disciplined. This might take extra time – but it needs to be done. Kneel down so that you’re at eye level. Ask him if he knows what his offense was. Sometimes we skip asking and simply demand, “Why didn’t you listen to me?” This rarely works for younger children because they have a hard time putting their thoughts into words. If they’re too little to verbalize, yet big enough to understand when you’ve given a directive, you can ask questions like:
“What did mommy ask you to do?” (You may have to help him out and simply state: “Mommy asked you to stop throwing toys, didn’t I?”)
“Did you do what I asked?” (or be more specific with, “Did you stop throwing toys when I asked you to?”)
“So mommy asked you to stop throwing toys and you didn’t listen, right?
3. Once he understands his offense, make sure to express your concern that he didn’t obey you. Explain the dangers of throwing toys. Remind him that he needs to obey you without excuse, challenge, or delay (you may need to put this into age appropriate wording. ;))
4. Tell him how many swats he’ll receive before you spank him. I really appreciated this idea from Tedd Tripp. If you tell your child he’ll receive three swats for instance, you’re doing two things:
- your showing him that you have control, that you’re not going to spank until your anger is abated
- your keeping yourself accountable and controlled
5. After the spanking is done, and he has calmed, restore your relationship with a hug. Tell him how much you love him, how much it grieves you to spank him, and how you hope it will not be necessary again.
Discipline done this way brings in both ‘the rod’ and communication in a loving and controlled way.
FAQ
What if my child says they didn’t hear me?
First, try to look them in the eye when you tell them a directive you want them to obey. I have a terrible habit of hollering up the stairs and expecting the kids to hear me. It’s unfair to them if you don’t speak to them directly yet you expect to be obeyed.
On the other hand, your child might say he didn’t hear you as an excuse for not listening. If you’ve taken the time to give your directions clearly, then it’s their responsibility to ‘perk up their ears’ and listen.
All I’ll be doing is spanking!
It might seem like that’s what will happen, but if your consistent and careful to communicate while using ‘the rod’ as it is intended, it shouldn’t take long before your children begin to respect your authority. Ask yourself:
- Are you tolerating disobedience one day and then getting upset about it another day?
- Are you responding in anger because you’ve ‘had it’? The best thing to do in this situation is have your child go to his room or sit in a chair until you’ve had a chance to go to God and seek a calm heart and a God-honoring attitude. Then go back and discipline – don’t let the incident go. If you’ve already responded in uncontrolled anger, apologize and explain how you acted wrongly.
What if we’re in public?
This is a valid concern seeing as our culture does not distinguish between Biblical discipline and child abuse. If you can find a private place, do so. However, you may have to choose between letting it go or firmly telling them the spanking will come once you’re back home.
When that time comes, be sure to talk through what happened and continue in the pattern from above.
If you have to let the incident go don’t be too concerned. The more you’re consistent at home, the less public displays of disobedience will happen.
What if I think he’s lying to me?
Start with a discussion of integrity and the importance of telling the truth. There may be times that doesn’t work – so do you call him a liar? No. If he doesn’t confess, he’ll get away with it for now. But if deceit is a habit, it will catch up with him eventually and you can address it then, when you know for sure that he’s lying.
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Parenting, communication, and the Biblical use of the rod – it takes time and patience. The biggest piece of advice I can give is to turn to God and pray that you’re heart will be changed, that your children’s hearts will be changed, and that your actions and attitudes will bring Him glory.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this series. I encourage you to read Tedd Tripp’s book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart for yourself – and your children! 🙂
Part 1: What Are We Doing Wrong?
Part 2: Biblical Authority
Part 3: The Gift of Communication
Part 4: Biblical Discipline
Part 5: The How & When of Spankings
Shared With: Time-Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Vintage Wanna Bee, Growing Home, Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers, Our Simple Country Life, Deep Roots at Home, Your Thriving Family, Comfy in the Kitchen, Christian Mommy Blogger, The Modest Mom Blog,
photo credit: Free Digital Photos
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Why We Chose Robinson Curriculum
Paula
I stumbled across this post and wanted to leave a comment from a mom of older kids. I taught secular parenting classes for a university. I found SACH and realized what a bunch of garbage I had been teaching people. Thankfully we raised our own children with the Biblical guidance of SACH. They are now 15 and 17 and have hearts for the Lord. They are wise young ladies with good character.
Kristel,
Oh, the wisdom we all wish we would have had in our pasts! But then I don’t think the valuable lessons God wanted us to learn would have had such an impact on us, huh. 😉
Thanks for sharing your experience – it’s so nice to hear testimonials from parents who have ‘walked the walk’ of SACH.
The issue of spanking has me on the fence. My generation seems to have all the evidence that spanking is an archaic, ancient method that creates hostility and aggression in kids—what about the studies that link spanking to all kinds of evils??–although I was spanked and I had a healthy respect for both of my parents. I’m just wondering–isn’t there another way? And as far as ages go, when do you stop spanking? (You may have addressed this but I didn’t see it?) I appreciate your response! God bless 🙂 Holly
Hi Holly,
Yes, I just read recent ‘evidence’ that spankings will create bullies, aggression, etc. too. My thought on that is honestly suspicion. I wrote this in part 4 of this series:
5. Haven’t you seen the latest news? Spanking leads to mental illness!
At this point I will give a most unladylike snort.
I wonder if the researchers also asked, “How many of you went fishing as a child?” Would their reports now state that fishing on open water causes aggression, bullying tendencies, and mental disturbances? Well, there goes fishing opening!
Most of the ‘experts’ I’ve read tend to lean in the direction that less-parental involvement is better. They seem to say that giving children free-range and basically letting their wants/desires control how we parent is the better option. But if you look at the Bible, the exact opposite is true.
Children are to obey their parents, and learn from their wisdom. There’s a reason children need our guidance and direction – and yes, sometimes spankings – because they don’t yet have the wisdom to make the best decisions. If we let them run all over us and others, basing their decisions on their emotions and anger, they’re headed toward a life of harming themselves and others.
And just as important, parents are to train their children in the Lord with godly wisdom and understanding. It’s a huge responsibility to take time to parent. To spank when it’s needed and to talk it out when needed.
Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 4:20-22, Proverbs 4:10-13, Proverbs 29:15 & 17 are some excellent verses to begin with.
If we look at how the Bible shows us to parent, it seems clear that spankings were used, with control and wisdom.
I remember when our kids were all smaller/elementary aged and we were dealing with lying and fighting, etc. We asked our friends, a couple with several teenagers, how their children had became so well-behaved, not only on the outside, but with an obvious love and affection for their parents. They wanted to please their parents!
I remember Jeff and Melissa distinctly saying that parenting takes time. Time to talk out an issue and spank if needed. Time to sit down at their level and speak to their hearts. I can’t tell you how true I’ve found this. The hurried discipline, the punishment yelled in anger, the ‘I’ll deal with it later’ attitudes cause more harm than good. They need us to take the time to be the parents we should be.
In response to when to stop spanking, that’s really on an individual basis. Our eight year old hasn’t had a spanking in I can’t remember how long. Why? Is he always obedient? No. But there comes a point when you realize that sitting down with your children when there’s a discipline issue and talking it out is much more affective than a spanking.
We’re in a transitional stage with our five year old. Sometimes spankings are needed – when there is a serious offense – and other times we appeal to his heart, his conscience, and his ability to comprehend how he’s hurting someone else either physically or emotionally.
I hope this gives you some direction. Please let me know if you want me to clarify anything. I know what I’m trying to say but it doesn’t always come out clearly. 🙂
LOVE THIS! we started disciplining our daughter when she was 6 months for trying to roll over when we changed her diaper – it was so hard to do, but the reward in seeing her obedience was such a comfort from God. i feel like the “terrible twos” hit her at 15 months and all i do is discipline right now, but i have to keep reminding myself to press on – it’s so tempting to let things slide but knowing that i’m following God’s will for her and acting in obedience to Him makes all the difference. my husband is reading this book right now, i’ll have to pick it up when he’s done! sounds like a great read.
Ugh – our daughter (29 months) is still struggling between independence and obedience – but you’re so right – press on and in years ahead we’ll appreciate all the hard work!
I’m not sure what form “discipline” of a 6 mo. old child would take?
oh – also, if anyone is interested, our pastor did a series on biblical parenting this summer, addressing the area of spanking. this is the link to parts 1-5: http://cside.org/sermon-archive-month.aspx?year=2012
and this is part 6: http://cside.org/sermon-archive-month.aspx?year=2012
Hi Paula,
I’m here via ‘Raising Homemakers’. I really like this book too! I don’t have children myself but I work with children. “Challenge, excuse, delay” that’s what I experience with them a lot. Often with 7/8 years old, I feel like they’re like toddlers who still have to learn everthing. I think parents often don’t see enough what children really need (to learn), just as Tedd Tripp describes in his book. Ofcourse at work I do not spank, but I talk with them about it and they have to sit in the corner. Btw did you read ‘The pursuit of godly seed’ by Denny Kenaston, I recommend that one too.
Just a practical question that came up: what do you see as a ‘rod’? What do you use? I guess it has to do with the child’s age?
I haven’t read Denny Kenaston’s book – thanks for sharing. 🙂
In Part 4 of this series I wrote: The rod represents a parent’s God-given authority to enforce the rules of their home. This includes everything leading up to and including corporal punishment (i.e. standing in a corner, writing sentences, extra chores, spanking a hand or backside, etc.)
We use all of the above – depending on the child’s age and what we feel they understand.
I maybe mistaken as its been a while but doesn’t Tedd Tripp specifically say spanking is the only method of discipline until the kids re much older? I could be misremembering.
Hi MM,
I’m sorry it took so long for me to reply. My book was being borrowed out and I didn’t want to misquote it without looking at it again. 🙂
On pg. 130 Tedd Tripp says, “God has commanded the use of the rod in discipline and correction of children. It is not the only thing you do, but it must be used.”
Then on pg. 171 he states, “In these early years of childhood the rod is primary. It is primary because God has commanded it. Remember God says that “foolishness is bound up in the hear of a child, but the rod of correction drives it far from him.
A young child does not give proper weight to words alone. His attention is secured when those words are punctuated by a sound spanking.”
I don’t recall seeing him state that a spanking is the ONLY method for young children, but certainly something we should use.
I’d like to offer a word of caution based on my own painful experience.
I read SACH and I found parts of it so refreshing in comparison with other “child training” materials I have read over the years. I really love that Tripp emphasizes communication, listening, and relationship. I love that he talks about pointing our children to the Gospel.
I grew up in a home that followed a similar pattern of child training as the one Tripp advocates. My siblings and I were fairly compliant by nature and my parents were reasonable, and it all turned out fairly well. When I had children I fully expected that the same would be true of my children.
Boy howdy was I wrong!
God gave me a sweet one who made me eat every word I had ever said about child training up to that point. It did not matter how consistent and faithful I was in applying “biblical” child training, nothing quelled the misbehavior. Weeks, months, and years of consistency yielded exactly…nothing.
I persisted for years because I believed that it was the only way to biblically train. The gurus had told me that if I just stuck it out, “broke the will but not the spirit,” maintained my authority through these methods, that my child would learn to obey.
Nope.
With each passing year, our relationship became more and more adversarial as I determined to be faithful until I saw results.
I was devastated and exhausted in every way. After all, “biblical child training” gurus pretty much universally teach that if you don’t succeed in achieving perfect obedience, your child’s soul is in peril and they will never learn to obey God.
It wasn’t working, our relationship had crumbled, and I had to back up and take another look.
As I started being willing to consider that there may be something going on here besides simple disobedience, I finally opened my eyes enough to learn that there were physical issues at play—food allergies and other invisible things that were wreaking havoc with her mind, emotions, and body. I had “faithfully disciplined” for an illness. For years. Because I was told that was the only godly way to train. The combination of these physical needs plus her unique personality plus my unrelenting determination made for a toxic situation.
It is a process to figure out a new way to interact, but slowly our relationship is healing. I actually believed that my “consistency” (or relentlessness) created a strong will, whereas a gentler, more gracious approach would have reached the heart much more quickly and created a more responsive child. I have seen this hold true with my younger children.
I really take issue with Tripp’s wooden literal (no pun intended LOL) application of the wisdom book of Proverbs. He states that the only biblical discipline for every infraction is spanking—even if a child is mentally disabled. (Paula, as I re-read the comments, I noticed that you do include other methods of discipline—however, in his book Tripp does not.)
We must apply consistency in our biblical interpretation. If we are going to contend that the only biblical way to discipline is through spanking, then we should also “put a knife to our throat” if we have a habit of overeating, like Proverbs says. And a man with a nagging wife? He should go live in the wilderness.
I have also come to believe that this approach leads to a lot of unnecessary discipline. A baby who flips during a diaper change? Babies are wiggly. It’s what they do. Wiggling is not rebellion. One thing I was determined to overcome when my oldest was a baby is the way she would pull her hair bows out. Sure, you can teach a child to “not rebel” against those things, but to what end? Why exasperate them for doing baby things that are morally neutral? Why make it an obedience issue to begin with? They outgrow 90% of these little immaturities.
Furthermore, just because you get a child to perfectly obey does not mean you have reached his heart or that he is more likely to obey God. I grew up on the most conservative edges of the homeschooling movement, and I can name dozens of young people in my small circle of acquaintance who were trained to obey perfectly as children and looked like poster children for biblical child training—but grew up to be ungodly, immoral, and even criminal.
They have seen that their parents expect perfect, unquestioning, robotic submission of them, but they also see that their parents don’t obey God with the total consistency that they expect of their children. They see a hypocritical double standard that does not factor in grace or the Gospel. And they rebel against that.
I never in 5 million years would have thought that I’d change my views on child training, but for what it’s worth—I did. I’m pretty traditional and I sure don’t believe that a swat on the butt for defiance is going to ruin any children, but I have seen a lot of damage come through a self-willed parenting method that is about achieving perfect obedience—which will never happen for any of us this side of heaven.
(Please forgive the length…the words just kept coming and there was no short way to say it!)
Stephanie,
I appreciate your honestly and concern for other Christian parents who want to
I feel, from my research of ‘the rod’ that this word encompasses more than the traditional spanking. That’s why I’ve said this series is based loosely on his book. He is still a man, as we all are. No child-rearing book written by man will ever compare with the Bible as our standard. 🙂
When we discipline we should seek our children’s hearts and communication rather than perfect obedience. Because you’re right – obedience can be ‘skin deep’ and nothing more – we want their hearts to change and desire to be obedient.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Stephanie,
Proverbs are not God’s definitive laws they are truisms. That means that following them lockstep won’t always give the results mentioned but will do so in most cases. And more often than not it’s a better system than whatever the current flavor of the month is. Hope all is well with you and child.
/mm
I lived on a sheep farm and it’s hard to imagine a shepherd using a rod to spank a lamb. Therefore, like the Balswicks and others, I doubt that shivto, “the rod” in Proverbs 13, is talking about spanking: “It is important to consider how the rod was used in the pastoral culture of Old Testament times. It was an instrument to guide ignorant sheep, not a means of beating them into submission” (from The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home). That would explain why the second part of verse 24 refers to guidance rather than punishment.
We used spanking sparingly in our home. But let’s not assume there’s a Biblical mandate.
Alan,
I have to kindly agree and disagree at the same time.
I completely agree that a rod is not intended to “beat them into submission”. If you read through this series from the beginning, I think you’ll see that I have never suggested that in any way.
from Part 2: If a child is manipulated out of fear, we’re abusing the authority God gave us.
from Part 4: The picture we should see – the Biblical rod – applied in the controlled and loving way it was intended.
The rod, as used in spankings, is NOT:
– a way to vent our anger
– something we do when frustrated
– uncontrolled beatings
– payment for wrongdoing
– a stand alone act of discipline – it must be woven with correction
You mentioned Proverbs 13:24 by saying, “That would explain why the second part of verse 24 refers to guidance rather than punishment.”
Actually, in the Hebrew, the second part of the verse refers to ‘correction’ according to Strong’s Concordance.
In the KJV the verse reads, “He that spareth his rod, hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”
If ‘chasteneth’ means ‘correction’ in Hebreews, and if the first part of the verse refers to a father hating his son if he spares the rod, I’m concluding that correcting with the rod is allowed by God. I don’t recall ever reading in the Bible or stating in this series that it is a mandate, or an order.
Proverbs 29:15, The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
describe a rod anyway you want; it’s still weapon and I find it surprising that God’s words are being interpreted to encourage striking a child so young it doesn’t even have the ability to verbalize. There is also a huge assumption being made that the person doling out the punishment will NEVER do so in anger- yes, in a perfect world!
I appreciate your response though I do disagree with you.
You state that a rod is a weapon. A weapon is “used to injure, defeat, or destroy”. So technically a fork can be used as a weapon, yet we see no problem with using them. The difference is in the WAY we use it. If you use a fork to poke out somebody’s eye, you’ve misused it. If you use the rod improperly (against the guidelines God gives for it), you’ve misused it as well.
The same goes for marriage. If you have an affair, you are misusing the commitments you made to your spouse – yet God still created marriage. He gives specific guidelines that He expects us to follow. If you use a rod in anger or to purposefully injure a child, you are misusing the responsibilities God has given you for your children – yet God still created the rod as a form of discipline. He gives specific guidelines that He expects us to follow.
The purpose of this series is to help parents understand those guidelines. To help them realize that it’s the WAY they discipline that makes the difference. No where in this series have I alluded to anything but encouraging a parent to discipline in control.
I hope this better explains where I’m coming from. Thank you for your comment.
Paula,
I thought I posted this already but maybe not. I noticed you mention you don’t just spank but use things like time-out. My wife argues from the same view that we shouldn’t just spank since, Biblically, God definitely associates clear punishments and deprivations to many of His blessings and promises.
Can I ask why you deviate from this particular stricture in Tedd’s book?
Thanks in advance,
/mm
Hi MM,
Yes, I do believe you asked a similar question in reply to a comment above, but I was waiting to reply until I got my book (it was being borrowed out). I’m sorry it took so long.
On pg. 130 Tedd Tripp says, “God has commanded the use of the rod in discipline and correction of children. It is not the only thing you do, but it must be used.” (emphasis mine)
Then on pg. 171 he states, “In these early years of childhood the rod is primary. It is primary because God has commanded it. Remember God says that “foolishness is bound up in the hear of a child, but the rod of correction drives it far from him.
A young child does not give proper weight to words alone. His attention is secured when those words are punctuated by a sound spanking.”
Again, I don’t recall seeing Tedd Tripp state that a spanking is the ONLY method for young children, but certainly something we can and should use. I use a few other methods such as time-out because there are times I feel a time-out is more effective – though I will say it is often in conjunction with a spanking.
For instance, my sons were playing a board game and their little sister (2ish at the time) was continually messing up the board and game pieces. Her brothers repeatedly and clearly asked her not to touch. When I became aware of it, I also told her not to touch. When she disobeyed me, I decided a spanking was needed as well as time-out in the recliner. Why? Because she has a very soft spot for her oldest brother (14) and LOVES to sit on his lap and cuddle with him. This was where she was sitting when she disobeyed.
I first talked to her and told her that she had disobeyed me and that was why I was giving her a spanking. After the spanking I had her sit in the recliner for a time out. Honestly, the time-out where she could see her brother but not be with him was harder on her than the spanking.
There are times I feel just a time out is more devastating to her than a spanking, so that is what I’ll do.
I stand corrected! I guess I may have made that leap since he debunks ever other kind if discipline method in previous chapters. With the exception of naturally occurring object lessons. Having said that I am now reading Instructing a Child’s heart which goes into more detail.
Actually, the word “spanking” is never used in the Bible…”beating” however, is. And we are never told to strike with our hands, nor on the buttocks: we are told to use a rod, and on the back, and to leave a mark (a “stripe”). Also, we are told to strike sons, not daughters.
If we read the Old Testament closely and followed it, we would therefore hit our sons on their backs (not before the age of five, and up until the age of eighteen – because that is the definition of the Hebrew word used for “sons” in those verses) using a big stick and making sure to leave a mark, and we’d never hit a girl at all.
Do you follow these guidelines?
And if you do, do you also stone adulteresses, not eat pork, and not wear clothes made of different fabrics?
Why are you selective about the teachings you follow? I’ve never heard that honestly answered by a Christian and I’d like to hear it answered. Thank you!
Blessings! Bethany
Dear Bethany,
One of the things I dislike most about this electronic world we live in is that we can read a person’s response without being able to see their facial expressions or their tone of voice. So before I answer, please know that I am not arguing, angry, or being snide in my response.
First, let me explain that I am on a deadline right now. I have an ebook I need to finish by the end of the month so my time on the computer needs to be quite focused.
That being said, my first thought after reading your comment is that you’re blowing off steam because you disagree with me, and to be frank, if that’s the case I don’t have time to respond.
But if you’re seriously looking for an answer, then I’d be happy to reply. I believe when we read the Bible we must look at every verse in it’s context. If you can point me to each verse that states what you are referring to in regards to your comments above, I would be happy to read them and respond – but know that I may not get to it for several weeks.
Before I go, I would like to ask you a question: You said you want to know why I’m selective about the teachings I follow and that you’ve never heard that question answered honestly by a Christian. I’m assuming this means you would not call yourself a Christian.
If that’s the case, then why are you so upset when we follow what we believe to be the truth?
My heart feels so sad that you discipline this way. And even more so that you advocate for others to do the same. Jesus is love, this is the exact opposite.
I have to agree with the last comment. I felt a sickness in my heart when I read this post. I felt especially sick when a commenter in agreement with the issues you spoke of talked about disciplining her SIX MONTH old. How ludicrous. As a Christian I believe that God is love. Love and violence cannot co exist. It simply cannot. It doesn’t matter how you word it, how you spin it or who said it that you agree with, even if they call themselves a Godly person. Someone who advocated violence in ANY capacity on a child is not rooted in a Christ like love. To strike a child who is smaller and more vulnerable will harden his heart. We know this. A Shepard is gentle, loving and guiding in his discipline. He redirects with his rod, he does not use it for violence. When I ask myself how Jesus would raise these children, it is never with force or violence. The god of the new testament does not condone it. It is humiliating to be forced over someone’s lap and struck. It doesn’t matter if it is in front of one or 100 people. You are not sparing humiliation to this child. Gentle correction, firm commitment to Godly principals, modelling respect and showing patience for childish behaviors that are not rooted in disobedience but developmental stages are essential to raising well rounded, emotionally healthy and confident adults. The disconnect in families, the break down of said families, the amount of media and peer influence and worldly influences permitted in the home are the basic cause of disrespect and broken attachment in the influence of parents in this generation. Not because they weren’t spanked enough. I have three children who are ages 2, 4 and 6 years old. I also run a preschool. I have worked with toddlers and preschool children for 15 years. I have NEVER struck one of them with hand or object. But I have raised loving, obedient, kind and compassionate children who will grow up to not be convinced that hitting a child is okay. And to know that their bodies are their own and no one is allowed to touch them in a way they do not allow. you said yourself that no child agrees to a spanking. They know that this is not a touch that is consensual. I implore you to change your reading list to those that examine child development, neuro and psychological development. You are advocating for a treatment of children that can go very easily, very badly. Don’t walk this thin line. These are God’s children gifted to you. We must treat them with the love and grace Christ has shown us and see them as the treasures they are to God. How many children have had their spirits broken by advice stemming from the things you have said, from a parent who thought they were parenting in a biblical fashion but instead was led down a slippery path by the enemy who wants nothing more to see dark seeds planted in the hearts of children by their well intended parents. Redirection, humor, patience, example and non violent consequences are all valid discipline tools where the heart is gently rerouted in the way the shepherds rod was intended. Counting to 3 for a young child is a valid and useful tool because their underdeveloped brain process’ information at a slower pace than an adult or older child, it takes a moment to comprehend, override impulse to the contrary, envision and implement the instruction.
Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.
Matthew 25:40
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.
Colossians 3:21
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Jennifer,
You’ve probably already guessed that I don’t see this topic through your eyes. 🙂
I won’t respond to every comment made, but there are a few points I want to respond to specifically:
You said,” To strike a child who is smaller and more vulnerable will harden his heart. We know this.”
No, we don’t know this.
I’ve known many children who received spankings as children, and I’ve been on the receiving end myself growing up. We’re all adults now and I can safely say none of our hearts are or were hardened toward our parents.
Instead, I’m grateful they didn’t let me get away with the things I did without a spanking. I know my heart well enough to know that I would have repeated several dangerous/rebellious antics had I thought I wouldn’t get a spanking for them. 🙂
You stated, “A Shepard is gentle, loving and guiding in his discipline. He redirects with his rod, he does not use it for violence.”
If you were to reread Part 4 of this series again, you’ll see that I never suggest that the Bible tells us to be ‘violent’ with our children. A spanking given with calmness, control, and explanation from a loving parent is not violence, but loving guidance.
You referred to the verses,
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” (Colossians 3:2).
I’m assuming that you think a spanking ‘provokes’ and ‘exasperates’, but I would add again, that a spanking given correctly does not provoke or exasperate. I could argue that telling my son he isn’t allowed to play the iPad could provoke and exasperate him. Does that mean I should never tell him no?
No, it means I should choose carefully when he’s allowed to play and when he isn’t – and not for my own motives.
Just like a spanking.
Jenifer,
Just picking on this point:
” As a Christian I believe that God is love. Love and violence cannot co exist.”
God is love but in the sense that what he does defines love, not the other way around. Jesus can be violent in the execution of judgement – did he not kill every living man and woman on Earth, with one exception, during the flood? Did you miss the part in Revelation where the blood of the rebels will run six feet high for miles and miles in all direction? Jesus is the Prince of Peace – how is peace achieved? When all His enemies are dead. Jesus is the Lord of Hell as much as Heaven and Earth which means judgement being executed for all eternity – torture – is mandated and supervised by Jesus. Read your Prophets.
There are myriad other examples.
Your view of Jesus is faulty which calls into question everything else you said in this comment.
My heart is deeply saddened that christians are still doing this.